Loveland Magazine

Mr. President: Don’t Forget About Those Jobs in Southern Ohio

By Rep. Jean Schmidt,

Ohio’s Second Congressional District

The president’s State of the Union address on January 24 gave me an opportunity to remind him of the plight of the people of Pike County, which has the highest unemployment rate in Ohio at 14.3 percent. The national unemployment rate is 8.5 percent.

As he passed me on his way to the podium in the House Chamber, I urged the president to please keep working to help private industry create jobs through the American Centrifuge project.

“You know we will,” he said.

The project would support creating nearly 4,000 jobs in Ohio.

Jobs are one of my top priorities, but this project is also important to our national defense. The American Centrifuge Plant in Piketon would provide the uranium needed to supply tritium, which is a key component of the U.S. nuclear arsenal and must be replenished regularly.  

The project is also extremely important to U.S. efforts to prevent the proliferation of nuclear weapons. If we are to persuade other nations to not enrich uranium, we must be able to provide it in a way limited to peaceful purposes.

The American Centrifuge project would utilize the only U.S.-developed and owned uranium enrichment technology.  As a member of the House Foreign Affairs Committee, I cringe at the notion that we might end up dependent on some other country to supply us. It could handcuff our foreign policy, weaken our military posture, and put at risk American business interests worldwide.

The U.S. Department of Energy has proposed a $300 million research, development, and demonstration program that could lead to a loan guarantee needed to bring this technology to fruition.

Right now, the entire country is worried about jobs and the economy. Everyone, it seems, knows someone who has been laid off, had work hours cut, lost their home, or is thinking about filing for bankruptcy.

This reminds me of the state that our Union was in 32 years ago, when Ronald Reagan was running for the presidency. At that time, our economy was in the tank from high unemployment, runaway inflation, and interest rates that nobody could afford.

People back then wondered whether the country was in a recession or had slipped into a depression. Reagan crystallized an answer in just a handful of words:  “A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.”

As President Obama was leaving after his speech, he passed by me again.

Don’t forget about those jobs in Southern Ohio, I said.

“I haven’t,” he said.

And neither will I.  

Genius and Despair: how you or your gifted child may be like Rachmaninoff

 

Discouraged?  Feeling like crumpling up your current project and pitching it?  Please read on.

I was reading Jonathan D. Kramer’s program notes during a Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra concert that I recently attended and was astounded to read what the composer had to say about his own work:

“I have just played over the first movement of my concerto, and only now has it become clear to me that the transition from the first theme to the second is not good and that in this form the first theme is no more than an introduction — and that no fool would believe it to be a second theme.  Everybody will think this the beginning of the concerto. I consider the whole movement ruined, and from this minute it has become positively hideous to me.  I am simply in despair.”

This is Sergei Rachmaninoff speaking of one of the most beloved pieces in music — his second piano concerto in C minor — five days before he was to play the first complete performance!

It always stuns me that the greatest geniuses, the creators of the most profound work, are devastated by self-doubt — and, in Rachmaninoff’s case, go into deep and long-lasting depression.

I tell you that to say that your doubts about your work are in no way an accurate reflection of the value of the actual work, nor do they provide a valid assessment of your competence.  They are simply a reflection of your own doubts about yourself.

What was Rachmaninoff in despair over?  Please sit back in your chair and  listen while Sergei Rachmaninoff plays his Piano Concerto No. 2.

 

 

When you feel like quitting, let these unforgettable strains of music come back to you, and then think about the potential cost of second guessing instead of paying attention to your instinct.  Rachmaninoff’s instinct told him to write the music in that precise way; his second guessing told him that the form was incorrect.  But forms change — because people have the courage to act on intuition.  History recognizes these brave pioneers later as visionaries.

Four Tips for Making New Year’s Wishes Come True

The New Year, like a fresh unspoiled snow, invites new beginnings. It’s almost a feeling of seed sprouting within; a sense of possibility, optimism and excitement.

In this podcast, Fran Hendrick will provide you with insights and tips that will help you bring your wishes for the new year into reality.

So – hang on to your optimism, and let’s get started!

Listen here.

Invincible Voice is loaded with tips, insight, inspiration and conversation about vibrant, depression-free living. It’s all about moving from being invisible to being invincible. I’ll talk about why women give up their voices and how you can get yours back. In the process, we’ll look at parenting and how it affects children’s capacity for resilience — and the impact of the way you were parented on your vulnerability to depression as an adult. We’ll explore the impact of trauma on voice; lost voices in the workplace, how to raise daughters to joyfully be exactly who they are — and that’s just a sample!

When you need a little inspiration, a gentle nudge that reminds you of your own value, or ideas about how to support your friends, kids and colleagues in sharing their unique voices, just listen in on any one of these calls.

Finding your voice will change your life.

To receive the links to weekly podcasts, subscribe to the Sea Change ezine here. You’ll be added to The Self Development Place email list to be notified of the topics for future Invincible Voice podcasts as well as about other happenings at The Self Development Place.

The Next Era of the Postal Service

 

by Sen. Sherrod Brown

This holiday season, Ohioans will receive scores of gifts—from Great Lakes beer to Cincinnati chili—but many of the parcels probably won’t be dropped off by their local postal carrier.

The United States Postal Service (USPS)—the second-largest employer in the United States and one authorized by the U.S. Constitution—is governed by rules that limit its financial viability. To address a growing deficit, more than 120 post offices and 10 mail processing centers in Ohio have been slated for possible closure because of financial challenges.

These closures could prove costly for middle-class families in our state, resulting in job losses and deteriorated service. That is why I fought for a moratorium on all postal facility closures until May 2012. With this additional time, Congress can modernize the rules and usher in the next era of the USPS.

Private delivery companies perform an important service. But the Post Office should be able to compete for all the parcel business, too. That’s why I’m fighting to pass the Postal Service Protection Act, legislation that would help bring the USPS back to fiscal solvency.

First, it would deal with the USPS’s fiscal challenges. This bill would address a broken pension system which currently costs the USPS more than $5 billion every year. Right now, the Postal Service must pre-fund 75 years of future retiree health care benefits in just 10 years. With this legislation, we can address immediate fiscal problems facing the USPS by overhauling the USPS retiree benefit requirements.

Second, it would allow the Post Office to innovate. By easing current financial constraints on the agency, the USPS would have additional avenues to earn income—like shipping beer or issuing a state fishing license—that can put the Postal Service back on the road to fiscal health.

The legislation would also protect a six-day delivery—preserving Saturday delivery and maintaining current standards for first-class mail delivery. This is vitally important for seniors and patients who depend on timely delivery of life-saving prescription medications.

With any postal reform legislation Congress considers, we must take into account what affect these decisions will have on America’s recovering economy. What would inaction mean for Ohio families?

Postal workers—many of them veterans, women, and rural residents—do more than deliver holiday cards and news from home. They also watch out for elderly neighbors, and help build a sense of community.  Since 1775, the USPS has kept Americans connected with one another and the rest of the world. 

Our state ranks eighth in the nation for the number of USPS employees—including letter carriers and sorters—who help Ohioans cash checks, obtain passports, and operate small businesses. We must help the USPS, a self-supporting government entity, adapt to the challenges of the 21^st century.

A robust Post Office means that small businesses and non-profits have reliable and affordable means to conduct their business. It means that the shopping centers and small businesses in urban areas—which, in many cases, are anchored by the presence of a post office—can continue to thrive.  It also ensures that seniors can receive their mail-order prescriptions and Social Security checks without delay.

The motto of the Post Office: “neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night” dates back to antiquity. The Greek letter carriers likely faced unleashed dogs—though not email. Yet I’m confident that we can and must overcome the challenges faced by the USPS. This is our promise to our neighborhood postal worker, our neighbors, and our communities.

Hiring Ohio’s Heroes

by Sen. Sherrod Brown

This summer, I helped launch the “Solar by Soldiers” project which helps put veterans back to work. This program helps train veterans in clean energy technology and installation and then connects them with opportunities in this high-growth industry. And it is already generating results in our state. Flannagan’s in Dublin, a small business eager to install energy efficient technologies, completed the first building retrofit through Tipping Point Renewable Energy’s “Solar by Soldiers” program. A Marine from Central Ohio recently told me that he spent two years, following his return from Iraq, applying for jobs. With few promising leads, he heard news reports about the “Solar by Soldiers” program and went to Tipping Point Renewable to find a job. He has been working for them ever since.

We need to do more to help Ohio veterans find jobs.

Servicemembers – already armed with the discipline and skills needed to strengthen the 21^st century economy – should not have to struggle to find a job when their military service ends. Yet, in the United States, more than 20 percent of veterans between the ages of 20 and 24 years old are unemployed.   

Some of America’s highest achieving young people are spending months searching the Internet, attending job fairs, reading the classifieds, and looking through the telephone book to find work – without success.

This is unacceptable.

That is why I have been partnering with local leaders and working with my colleagues in Congress to pass meaningful legislation, like the Vow to Hire Heroes Act, to connect veterans with new jobs.

We all have a responsibility to help America’s veterans find the resources needed to resume their civilian lives.  The VOW to Hire Heroes Act – a new law that provides tax credits for employers who hire unemployed veterans and helps connect veterans with job opportunities – moves us closer to fulfilling that obligation.

The Vow to Hire Heroes Act also ensures that all veterans have access to the Transition Assistance Program – an interagency workshop coordinated by the Departments of Defense, Labor, and Veterans Affairs aimed at helping servicemembers transitioning to civilian life.  To ensure a seamless shift from the military to civilian life, it also allows servicemembers to start the federal employment process prior to separation from service so that they can interview at the VA, Homeland Security, or other federal agencies in need of veterans’ expertise.

With this law, veterans and those who hire veterans will have access to the services needed to find good-paying jobs, and we have a critical new tool to combat high unemployment levels for Ohio’s veterans.

When local leaders, small business owners, and members of Congress work together to pass legislation that matters to Americans in places like Hamilton County, with more than 60,000 veterans, we can make a big difference. That is why I recently held a VA hearing at Columbus State Community College to build on this momentum and continue improving the lives of Ohio’s veterans. This hearing was an important reminder that listening to Ohio’s veterans helps shape policies that will be beneficial to their continued career development and lifelong success.

By raising awareness of veterans’ jobs services and better coordinating the range of resources available to them, we can help improve job prospects for America’s heroes.

Ending veterans’ long waits between the end of service and the start of a new career will require smart legislation, local support, and continued outreach to veterans. If you’re interested in joining our efforts, contact my office at 888-896-OHIO (6446) or www.brown.senate.gov  for additional information on how we can help end high unemployment among America’s veterans.

How to Escape the “Smart Trap”

 

 

 

 

 As the parent of a now-adult who teaches herself new languages as a hobby while I struggle just to remember a new phone number, I have a fine-tuned comprehension for the fact that some people’s brains can do things that mine cannot.  Not only is this both fascinating and fantastic, it takes a lot of pressure off of me.  There’s no need to prove that I can pick up Swahili, because, well, I can’t – at least not without a full-court press. Because I understand this, my self-esteem is intact. I know where my talents lie, and I’m not too concerned about the rest.

This is not suc h an easy concept for people who in childhood have been identified as “gifted” — or just plain smart. The unintended consequences of these seemingly helpful labels often carry all the way through adulthood.

When kids grow up hearing over and over — at school, from their friends, from standardized tests — that they’re “gifted” or a “genius,” as my daughter did, a global expectation of achievement without a learning curve is created both within them and within others.  If you experienced this, even now you probably expect yourself to be a quick study at whatever you set out to do; in fact, you may well expect not to have to study at all. When you meet up with a tough challenge that requires an extended trial-and-error learning process, you may feel immobilized.

The self-esteem of kids who’ve been labeled “gifted” may come to hinge on being “right”, on catching on to each new skill the first time, on always having the answer, on always being the brightest in the group, on finishing the test first — in short, on being globally gifted. When they’re faced with a problem that they can’t immediately solve, they’re really frightened — so much that they shut down or lash out or become depressed.

This is how it’s possible for brilliant people to have a low sense of self-worth. It’s what I call the “Smart Trap”.   

You can’t fix this by trying to be smarter.  The fix occurs at a deeper level.  It’s a complex de-tangling of self-worth from innate ability. It’s a redefinition of what it means to be strong — from getting it right the first time to having the confidence to persist through first tries and next tries.

The other day when I began working on this post, my daughter told me how she had come to terms with the stress of being labeled. I thought it might be useful to share her thinking with you.

“I’ve always been uncomfortable when someone uses the term ‘genius’ to describe me,” she explained, “because ‘genius’ suggests that a person is good at everything, which is almost never true. I’m certainly not. There are things that I am good at, and there are other things that I’m lousy at, just like pretty much anyone else. The only real difference is degree: The things I’m good at, I’m unusually good at. For me, what has allowed me to be monumentally lousy at certain things without it totally wrecking my self-image is the understanding that ability isn’t an across-the-board thing, for me or anyone else.”

It’s a simple– but not necessarily easy – recipe for happiness, one that you can cook up for yourself first — and then serve to your kids.

 

 

Addressing Hunger in America

by Sen. Sherrod Brown

At a local food pantry, I met an Ohio family who were long-time volunteers. While they were used to collecting canned goods and sorting through boxes of donations for their neighbors in need, they were not used to turning to the food bank for help themselves. Unfortunately, due to economic hard times, this family went from being volunteers at the food banks to recipients of assistance from the food banks.

This holiday season, some Ohio families will share a Thanksgiving meal with new neighbors after losing a home to foreclosure. Others may find themselves beginning new traditions because a parent has lost a job. Some others may not have a warm meal at all.

Scarcity is a fact of life for too many Americans in urban areas, rural communities, small towns, and big cities alike. Today more than 1.7 million Ohioans live in poverty and sixteen percent of Ohio families don’t know where they will get their next meal. One out of every twelve of Ohio’s senior citizens lives in poverty.

Alleviating hunger in America – including hunger for food, work, and a fair shot at providing for loved ones – requires addressing the shortages many working and middle class families face.

Here’s what we can do: as citizens, we can tutor, spend time with an elderly neighbor, and donate items to local food pantries. We can work to improve economic conditions that keep talented students from receiving a college education. As citizens, we can also volunteer at community centers, places of worship, schools, and senior citizen homes to make sure our neighbors have enough to eat during the holiday season and throughout the year.

But private citizens shouldn’t have to go it alone. In Washington, we need to address the rising income inequality that has led to a shrinking middle class and slow economic recovery. That comes down to priorities – do we continue to support extra tax breaks for millionaires or do we invest in resources that create jobs and help Americans who are struggling?

In 1965, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered the commencement address at Antioch University in Yellow Springs, Ohio, the alma mater of his wife, Coretta Scott King. On the moral question of confronting poverty, Dr. King said, “There is no deficit in human resources.  The deficit is in human will.”

Our nation’s prosperity depends on a strong middle class, and the opportunity for Americans to join the middle class.

And our state’s strength has always been rooted in our residents and their rich spirit of volunteerism and service. As Thanksgiving and the holiday season approaches, Connie and I are grateful for the Ohioans who spend their time working in food pantries and food banks, and in schools, hospitals, and senior centers. Such citizens are making heroic efforts to fight poverty and hunger.

To our servicemembers returning home for the holidays, and to our troops serving overseas, our thoughts and prayers remain with you and your families.

These selfless Americans, like the family who continued to give back in their hour of need, remind us that across Ohio, there is no deficit of will. It reflects the fundamental character of who we are as Americans, and we affirm this each holiday season. Women and men in uniform who continue to serve our nation, families who continue to serve meals to our neighbors, and public servants who work to keep our communities safe prove that we have the will.

Go Here to Apply for Assistance.

Loveland Initiative's 14th Annual Christmas Toy Store Shopping List

Dear Loveland Magazine Readers,

Loveland Initiative is proud once again to host the 14th Annual Christmas Toy Store.  Christmas is a wonderful time of year, especially for children. With our annual Toy Store, we make it just as wonderful for low-income parents. 

The Toy Store was created to help families who could not afford toys and gifts.  Purchasing toys and gifts at a discount helps parents feel that they are contributing to their child’s Christmas while enabling the parents to choose items based on their child’s interests and needs. 

We are committed to using the money raised by the Toy Store for the betterment of children and families in Loveland.  The Loveland Initiative uses the proceeds from the Christmas Toy Store to support programming and needs. The past 14 years, the money raised has been used for the Tracy L Johnson Scholarship Fund which assists a student to further his or her education.  We are very proud that fourteen college scholarships have been awarded to Loveland graduates.  Each year, we award a $1500 scholarship.  We feel that one of the ways to empower people is through education and this is the way to break the cycle of poverty.  Without you, we cannot offer help to these children.

Approximately 200+ children from low-income families in the Loveland area receive gifts via our Toy Store.  Each family will sign up (Pre-register and financially qualify for a specific shopping slot and they will be able to purchase approximately 3-5 gifts per child.  Parents/Grandparents come into a store setting (set up by volunteers) with tables marked by price to purchase items for $0.50 to $5 per gift.  The 13h Annual Christmas Toy Store will be held at the Loveland Initiative’s Office located at Northstar, Community of Grace 11020 S. Lebanon Road; on Friday December 23, 2011.  We will be accepting donations of NEW UNWRAPPED toys and gifts for children, preteens and teens. (See attached suggested gift list).

Please drop off donated toys and gifts at the Loveland Initiative’s Office 11020 S. Lebanon Road, Monday through Friday from 2:00pm-5:00pm and during Resource Center hours 6:00 pm -7:30pm starting November 1, 2011 through December 23, 2011.  You may also drop off items at any of the Loveland School District buildings, LECC, LES, LPS, LIS, LMS and LHS during school hours. We can also make arrangements to pick up gifts.  In addition to gifts, we always need volunteers for pick-up, wrapping, displays and transportation.  We are confident that our community will once again come through to help the children and the families in Loveland.  Please feel free to call Tara Collins Project Leader at (513) 225-5017 or e-mail birchiet886@yahoo.com or the Executive Director Terri Rogers (513-677-1057  HYPERLINK "mailto:trogers7@fuse.net" trogers7@fuse.net with any questions or concerns.  Thank you in advance for your help!

Sincerely,

Tara Collins
Project Leader   

Download a Printable Shopping List: Download SEESUGGESTEDGIFTLIST2.docx-1

Fiscal Discipline Needed to Resolve Nation’s Economic Problems

 

By U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt,

 

WASHINGTON – This past Wednesday, the United States passed an infamous milestone: Our federal debt reached $15 trillion.

Unlike you and me – and millions of our fellow Americans – the federal government doesn’t have to balance its budget.  In fact, since 1960, the federal government’s annual budget has been balanced only six times. 

Clearly, there’s a difference of opinion in Congress, where some of my colleagues believe we can borrow and spend our way out of our economic problems.

I disagree.

Such actions are reckless and ineffective – as the recent past has shown us.  The government dumped enormous amounts of money into the sinkhole that our economy had become in hopes it would stabilize the country’s finances and get people back to work.

Since President Obama took office in 2009, discretionary spending has increased 84 percent – and the federal debt has gone up $4.3 trillion.  Today, for every dollar the federal government spends, it borrows about 42 cents.  

The economy is still sputtering, and the jobs we need so desperately haven’t materialized.

We need no further proof that this smoldering problem won’t be smothered by piling on borrowed money.

Deficit spending is sacrificing the future of our children and grandchildren.  They deserve better.  We owe it to them to fix this problem. We must end this out-of-control spending.  The answer is a balanced-budget amendment.

A balanced-budget amendment would legally constrain us from spending more money than we collect in revenue.  It would eliminate legislative chicanery and accounting gimmicks from the budgeting process. 

A balanced-budget amendment would also provide job creators with a better sense of the economic environment in which they can expect to conduct business, thereby encouraging investment and expansion.

Late last week, the U.S. House of Representatives voted on H.J. Res. 2, legislation proposing a balanced-budget amendment to the Constitution.  I supported this legislation by co-sponsoring it – and voting in favor of it. 

Unfortunately, it was rejected – mostly along partisan lines – by a vote of 261-165. Although the majority of House members favored it, the legislation fell more than 20 votes short of the super majority of two-thirds needed for passage.

If it had passed, Ohio and other states would have had the final say over whether to amend our U.S. Constitution to require a balanced federal budget.

I’m confident that residents of Southern Ohio share my view that the only solution to our nation’s economic problems is fiscal discipline.

 

 

 

 

 

Fighting to Keep Seniors Warm this Winter

by Sen. Sherrod Brown

For more than 30 years, the bipartisan Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program (LIHEAP) has helped many Ohio seniors and families – especially those with the lowest incomes who pay a high proportion of their income on home energy ­– keep warm in the winter.

Yet, under a new proposal in the House of Representatives, warm-weather states may receive additional funds at the expense of cold weather states like Ohio. Seniors facing rising home energy costs during Ohio’s cold winters shouldn’t be forced to choose between heating their homes and buying groceries.

A bill in the House would slash vital energy resources for low-income and elderly Ohioans to send a large share of energy assistance resources to warm-weather states like Florida and Arizona. By setting aside a bipartisan formula for disbursing assistance that’s been used for 30 years, the House proposal would result in colder-weather states receiving less help – to the tune of $15 million in Ohio alone.

It’s time to listen to and speak out for the 426,410 Ohioans who don’t know how they’re going to keep the heat on this winter. When elderly and low-income Ohioans pay high heating costs to keep their homes warm, they often cut back on other bills – like buying groceries or paying for medicine.

Recently, I visited with a constituent who lives in Cuyahoga County. The woman I met with – at her home – is in her nineties and relies on LIHEAP funds to help keep warm as the temperature falls. I also spoke with a senior citizen from Waterford who has a monthly income of about $694 and in the winter spends a large portion of her income on heating. While the debate in Washington has been focused on the budget deficit, what programs we choose to cut have real-world consequences.  We cannot forget the challenges faced by America’s seniors and low-income, working families.

The senior from Washington County said she doesn’t know what elderly Ohioans are going to do if this is cut.

Further cuts to LIHEAP could result in Ohio seniors receiving smaller award amounts to help heat their homes this winter or denied assistance altogether.

Hypothermia claimed the lives of hundreds of Ohioans over the past five years – and this was at a time when LIHEAP resources were more abundant. With heating oil prices expected to rise by 10 percent this winter, we have a responsibility to help keep Ohio families safe.  

Let’s make sure we don’t have to get to that point. That is why I led 33 of my Senate colleagues – both Republicans and Democrats – in writing to the Obama Administration in support of the rapid deployment of LIHEAP resources to the communities in cold, Midwestern and Northeastern states that need it most.

As poverty rates increase, it becomes even more imperative that America acts to protect our values. In America, no senior should have to worry about freezing in their own home. A single, working parent shouldn’t have to choose between keeping the heat on and paying for food for her children.

Like most Americans, I care about the budget and the deficit. But we need to cut wasteful subsidies for Big Oil companies or extra tax breaks for giant corporations before cutting lifelines for Ohio seniors.

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Start-Up Summit to Focus on How to Launch a Small Business

By U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt,
Ohio’s 2nd Congressional District

Small businesses are critical to our local economy – and the creation of jobs.

That’s why I’m inviting interested residents of Ohio’s 2nd Congressional District to my first “Start-Up Summit: Launching & Growing a Business.”

This free event will feature success stories shared by the founders of small businesses, as well as the opportunity to ask questions of experts and exchange ideas.

Veteran business people who will speak include Tony Shipley, chairman of Queen City Angels, whose members not only invest in local start-ups but also offer mentoring and coaching.

Several people who recently launched their own businesses will speak, including Rosie Dean, a 10-year-old from Georgetown who is chief executive officer of Rosie’s Turkey Corner. Her business in Brown County raises small turkeys for restaurant and home consumption.

The Start-Up Summit will run 8:30 a.m. to 1 p.m. Saturday, Nov. 19, at the Union Township Civic Center in Clermont County. Space is limited, so pre-registration is required. Email sara.dreier@mail.house.gov or call (513) 791-0381.

Panel discussions will include experts in marketing, web design, social media, and funding.

This isn’t a jobs fair. It’s for people who are interested in starting a business.

My hope is that the Start-Up Summit will be a springboard to help people develop innovative and sustainable businesses. Those start-ups could provide jobs for others.

Taking part in the Start-Up Summit will be representatives of the U.S. Small Business Administration and the nonprofits SCORE and Bad Girl Ventures, which provide free advice on how to start, fund, and manage a small business.

Rick Johnston, chairman of the Greater Cincinnati chapter of SCORE, will be on a panel called Mentors & Resources: Secrets to Success. Joining him will be: John Melvin, director of the Small Business Development Center of the Clermont Chamber; Miami Township Trustee Ken Tracy, who is president of TaleMed, a business he started with his wife, Libby; and Union Township Administrator Ken Geis, former vice president at Cincinnati United Contractors.

Also participating will be Scott Miller, who owns two start-up software companies and is an adjunct professor of entrepreneurship at Miami University. Another panelist will be Bill Cunningham, executive director of the Greater Cincinnati Venture Association.  They will help judge the Summit Showdown, during which representatives of several cool start-ups will pitch their business plans. Other judges will be: Scott Avera, chairman of the Business Backer; Stephanie Smith, vice president of Fifth Third Bank; and Bonnie Deer of the Small Business Administration.

Joshua Johnson, founder of Mindbox Studios web design and development, will moderate the panel Marketing: Get the Word Out & Grow. Also on the panel will be social media expert Matthew Dooley, founder of dooley media.

A panel called Start-up Success: Women Share their Stories will be moderated by Candace Klein, founder of Bad Girl Ventures. Panelists include Rosie Dean, the 10-year-old CEO; Allison Kulage, CEO of Bare Knuckle Marketing; Chele Hobbs, co-founder of Pet Wants; and Robin Gentry McGee, founder of Just Great Foods Consulting and Functional Formularies

Letter from the L.I.F.E. President

by Libby Fisher

Things have been hopping at LIFE, or Loveland Interfaith Effort, over the last several months.  From our primary outreach – the food pantry located at Prince of Peace, we served a record number of individuals in July – 620!  As I try to picture a week’s worth of food multiplied by 620, it is overwhelming.  Our Pantry Director, Carol Rope, and her inventory helpers have done a marvelous job keeping the shelves stocked while spending our funds wisely. 

The high demand for services coupled with lower donations in the summer have depleted our bounteous inventory levels in the past few months.  This is an annual cycle.  We are overwhelmed during the holidays and squeak through the summer months.  Thankfully, Beth Adam, one of our supporting congregations, holds an annual food drive coinciding with the Jewish High Holy Days which helped restock our shelves.  Loveland United Methodist Church also conducted a large food drive on our behalf, which helped us make it through a record of 31 families visiting the pantry on a recent Thursday evening.

In August, our 2nd annual Back to School Fair was held at Prince of Peace in collaboration with the Loveland Initiative.  We are forging a healthy partnership with the Initiative to build on each agency’s individual programs and strengths and join in events where it makes sense.  The Initiative’s traditional backpack program provides a new backpack filled with grade appropriate school supplies for each child registered.  LIFE supplemented that with gift cards for a haircut and new pair of shoes as well as a hooded sweatshirt, a toothbrush, tube of toothpaste and stick of deodorant for each child.  Helpful information on Cool School (Loveland Initiative’s after school tutoring outreach), Medicaid, energy assistance, and nutrition was also available at the event.  It was so gratifying to see the delighted youngsters proudly wearing their new backpacks on their way out the door, grinning widely!  Many thanks to Karen LaCroix and Lori Texiera, LIFE Board members and volunteers, for putting together a great package of helpful items to send our client children back to school.

Due to the high temperatures this summer, we are experiencing a very high demand for financial assistance with Duke bills.  We limit assistance to once per calendar year for emergencies such as utility cutoff or eviction, and have recently reinstituted our policy of limiting such assistance to three times in a client’s lifetime.  Our goal is to encourage people to find ways to cover the basic expenses without relying on annual help from LIFE.  We are also steering clients to the state-funded HEAP energy assistance program.  As many of our colleagues in other social service agencies are finding, we are forced to put restrictions on the program guidelines in order to meet the broadest need.  Many other agencies have run out of emergency funds.  We believe the measures we have taken can help us meet true emergencies through the end of the calendar year.

Of course none of the work we do at LIFE throughout the year would be possible without the overwhelming generosity of our community – individuals, businesses, the Loveland city schools, congregations, neighborhoods, Boy and Girl Scout troops…..It truly is a community effort where we lend a helping hand to our neighbors in need.

Thank you for your continuing support of Loveland Interfaith Effort.

The Window Seat in Your Heart

 

 

For kids who are trying to cope with competition from their siblings and maybe for you, too, if you’ve experienced certain kinds of emotional trauma in your childhood, sharing someone they (or you) love and need can create uniquely poignant pain and even panic.  I’ll try to give you some insight into this and an idea to help you — or your child — gain some control over these difficult feelings.

Children have a very concrete notion about how much “space” there is in the heart of someone they love.  With the help of emotionally healthy adults, kids learn that the human heart has the capacity for infinite expansion — but it takes time and experience to feel this.  Until that comprehension dawns, it may feel to kids that anyone who takes their special adult’s time or attention or energy has “used them up” and left them forgotten.  The result is a great need to get rid of the “competition” and to command the attention of that significant other in order to fend off feeling worthless or abandoned, two of the most painful of human emotions. 

The sadness of imagining oneself forgotten is not trivial.  The fear of this, when the early lesson that people remain constant even in their absence has not yet been gently demonstrated, can be overwhelming.  Kids have to learn this first when they realize that their parents can come and go at will; and again when a new sibling enters the scene.

There are two lessons to absorb here:

1. That time and energy are finite; but love is not.
2. That people are not interchangeable; that relationships are unique and not replaceable.

Experience is the best way to absorb these lessons.  Whether it’s your child aching for your presence or you painfully missing someone, each time that special person is busy or is involved with another person and then comes back and is fully present with you, the comprehension that “I am valued.  No one can take my place,” is reinforced.  But experience can be a slow teacher.  Using a powerful image can convey this crucial knowledge more quickly — and has the advantage of being able to be summoned up whenever fear and doubt threaten to take hold.

Your child could imagine herself as a uniquely shaped piece in a giant jigsaw puzzle.  No matter how many other pieces there are, there is only one that can fill that particular space in the puzzle, and likewise only one of her who can fill that unique place in your heart.  Practice this idea with a real puzzle. Look at the one-of-a-kind color, shading and detail of the piece.  Even a piece with a similar shape cannot fill the space that belongs to another piece.  Symbols can be enormously comforting; you might shop for this puzzle together and work it together more than once. Later on — maybe much later — your child might be ready to understand that her siblings, too, fill very important spaces in your heart.  

Or, imagine together a window seat tucked away in your heart.  Describe it together, in great detail — the curtains, the window panes, the tree outside the window, the cushion, the print of the pillows, the coziness of the room that holds this tiny haven.  Help her see that no matter where you are and no matter how alone she is feeling, you carry her in the window seat in your heart.

Sometimes teaching your child lessons like these can make up for the gap of not having been gently taught them by your own parents.  If that gap feels like a permanent, relentless ache, therapy can help. Keeping a consistent sense of your own value and knowing that you are irreplaceable are sources of joy, and you are entitled to them.

How to Create 4,000 SE Ohio Jobs With a Stroke of the Pen

By Rep. Jean Schmidt,

Ohio’s 2^nd Congressional District

After President Obama finished his speech about jobs to a joint session of Congress last week, I handed him an envelope. It contained a letter that outlined how to create 4,000 jobs in South-Central Ohio with the stroke of a pen.

I told him what the letter was about. He said: “Thank you, I’ll look into it.”

That letter was signed by the mayor of Portsmouth, David Malone, and four local business leaders. During a meeting with me, they asked that I personally deliver the letter to the president. The letter noted that in 2008, while campaigning for the presidency, Barack Obama promised to support a conditional loan guarantee for USEC’s American Centrifuge Plant in Piketon.

It’s shovel ready. It would create 4,000 jobs in Ohio – and another 4,000 jobs elsewhere. That’s 8,000 jobs total. The jobs at the uranium enrichment plant would be long term. They would be jobs that pay well.

The best part is they would be created by the private sector – not through stimulus dollars linked to tax hikes.

The jobs bill that the president announced last week – and plans to tout again when he visits Cincinnati next Thursday – includes an estimated $467 billion in permanent tax increases.

These new taxes would be needed to avoid a deficit of $447 billion over 10 years to pay for temporary stimulus spending, new job-training programs, unemployment insurance, and temporary tax reductions.  Those estimates come from the White House.

I applaud the president’s desire to do something about unemployment, but I don’t agree that the way to do it is through raising taxes and more federal stimulus spending.

Unemployment is stuck at 9.1 percent nationally. And the jobs picture for August was flat – no net expansion of employment – despite $825 billion in stimulus funds that have been poured down our economic well.

The president had claimed that money would fund 550,000 full-time jobs, but the Congressional Budget Office notes that those numbers are not to be trusted – because some of those “jobs” might have been created anyway. And some of the “new jobs” are made to look new but aren’t – through the slippery magic of how government shifts money around.

This week, the Census Bureau said the poverty rate in the United States was 15.1 percent last year, the highest rate since 1993. That means 46.2 million people in the United States were living below the poverty line, and their situations likely have not improved. The Census Bureau also reports median household income declined last year.

 So, flushed with this kind of “success,” the Obama administration proposes to do more of the same – more make-work public sector jobs. And the administration proposes to find the $447 billion to pay for them by raising taxes on the very parts of the economy – businesses and individuals with high net worth – that are the most likely to create long-term, stable employment.

The idea of raising taxes was a non-starter the last time the White House suggested it. That’s not likely to change.

The reason is simple.

The kinds of jobs the government funds in a hurry don’t last long, and their effect on the economy is negligible.  

Not Guilty, Your Honor!

 

 

I often see clients living their lives under a cloud of guilt that becomes darker and more ominous as each day goes on.  The chocolate truffle that “should not” have been eaten; the dog who “should” have been walked; the child whose forgotten homework “should” have been delivered to school; the family dinner that “should” have been produced; the intimacy that was declined –  each is seen as a personal failing. By noon, the cloud of guilt and worthlessness is pitch black.

It’s very “in” to take responsibility for your shortcomings, and that can be a healthy thing to do.  Until, that is, it extends to taking responsibility for shortcomings that are not yours.   Automatically assigning blame to yourself isn’t always honorable; it’s sometimes just bad science.  It prevents you from seeing the whole picture — which would suggest fresh answers to old problems.

When has feeling like a Bad Person and, metaphorically speaking, Sending Yourself to Your Room ever made anything better? Doling out self-punishment does not sow the seeds needed for change.  In fact, it is debilitating; you’re less likely to have the reserves to try for change when you are feeling badly about yourself.

An alternative to reflex guilt when you’re unhappy with something you’ve done is to ask “Why?”  The objective is to promote understanding rather than blame.  This paves the way for alternatives to surface.  Here’s how it looks:

Step 1 – Ask Why?

• Why did I have that piece of candy?
• Why didn’t I take Annie’s homework to school?
• Why didn’t I walk the dog?
• Why did I need some distance from my significant other?

Step 2 – The “Affirmative Defense”

Celebrating the truth is key to sidestepping the guilt trap. Here’s how it sounds:

• Of course I ate it! I love chocolate! And also, by the way, sometimes I reach for it when I’m anxious because it makes me feel better.
• I didn’t take Annie’s work to her because my job as her mom is to build her ability to handle her responsibilities.  “Protecting” her from her mistakes would cripple her.
• You bet I didn’t walk the dog!  With only so many hours in the day, there were far more essential priorities to handle.
• Why would I be in the mood for intimacy? We just had a huge argument, and nothing has been resolved.  Once we connect again, I’ll probably feel differently.

Step 3 – Let your insight suggest options for the future.

Just as comprehending why someone has done something that hurt you allows you to move forward, looking inside yourself for the why of a choice that you regret surfaces new thinking on how to solve a problem in a more helpful way. Here are some examples, but remember, your own answers are likely to be completely different:

• Reaching for candy is a signal that I’m anxious — or a natural response to seeing something really good. Maybe next time I can insert a pause to figure out what’s going on before I inhale a box of truffles :).
• I think I’ll tell Annie why I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to bring her the things she forgets.  That way, she’ll know what to expect and, even if she’s unhappy about it, she’ll know I’m looking out for her.
• There are five people in this house; I think we could brainstorm how to make sure the dog gets a walk.
• When I pull away from my partner, I’m not being selfish or rejecting. It’s probably a signal that I need us to talk about something.

Walking under a thunder cloud of guilt leaves all of these insights buried; it’s just not constructive or effective.  And besides, and not least by any means, it hurts you.  So – perhaps you could try not to land there.  The next time you feel the cloud thickening, I hope you’ll try this process out.  Nine times out of ten, you’ll come back with a verdict of “Not Guilty, Your Honor.”  And the tenth time, when the responsibility is truly yours and there’s been some actual damage, keep any guilt you feel proportionate to the misstep — and then let it serve its legitimate function as a catalyst for you to empathically seek to resolve the issue.

Exhausted? Try panning for gold

 

 

 

Here’s something you can easily do so that you come to the end of the day feeling inspired rather than exhausted from the whirlwind of details you handle.

If you’ve ever stopped here and there during the day to really analyze what you’re dealing with, you know it’s a lot more than you usually articulate.  You thought you were just trying to bring in the mail — but on the way, you found the puddle the dog left, the pile of socks and shoes in the den, and wouldn’t you know — the light didn’t come on when you opened the garage door.  Or — you’re working at the computer and discover that the updated browser is reconfigured or your software has been updated — and the simple task you set out to do now requires relearning the programs before you can get it done.

Most of these handicaps are never even articulated — but you can come to the end of a nonstop, busy day feeling that you’ve accomplished nothing!  Somewhere in that pile of details, you’ve lost yourself.

When you can sort through all of that to reconnect with your own gifts and accomplishments, tired as you may be, you’ll feel positive about tomorrow.  It’s a little like panning for gold.

Start by downloading Pure Gold.  Read on to learn how to use this energy-generating tool.

1. Save Pure Gold to your desktop so opening it is quick and easy.
2. At the end of the day — or whenever you want to capture a thought — open the document.
3. In the first column, record accomplishments.  Please don’t wait to win an award!  A worthy example might be: “I was able to help Beth make a decision to take her bath without having a tantrum…”
4. In the second column, take a minute to identify what it is about you that made it possible for you to do this: “…because I could empathize with how hard it was to come in from playing in the creek…”
5. In the third column, put into words the skill attached to this quality: “… and could convey that to her.”

There’s no one right way to do this; the columns are there to trigger your thinking.  It’s okay to leave some of them blank. What you’re striving to do is to put into words how you made a difference for the people you met up with today.  So many of these things are simple and fleeting — like asking a clerk, “How are you today?” and seeing the smile of appreciation that comes from being recognized as a person with feelings.  Others are technical, like work-related accomplishments.  They may have to do with relationships.  They may have to do with encouraging, validating, championing people — including yourself.

You’re on the right path if you find yourself rereading your list and thinking, “Wow, I did that!”

By definition :), Pure Gold is a valuable document.  Use it to “pan for the gold” of a tough day.  Read it when you’re feeling blue, to remind yourself of your values, your competency, your worth as a human being.  You might even use it to help you write a resume or consider a new career path.

However you put it to use, in this instance anyway, you’ll find that it’s the gold and not the devil that lies in the details.  Happy panning!

Remember Those Who Perished Sept. 11

Including First Responders

By Rep. Jean Schmidt, Ohio’s 2^nd Congressional District

As the 10^th anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attack on our nation approaches, all of us who were aware of the enormity of what was taking place that day in 2001 will likely remember where we were – and the pain that gripped us as witnesses to the loss of so many innocent lives.

  I was a state representative at the time, and that morning I was driving to Columbus for a meeting of the Ohio General Assembly.  My sister, Jennifer, called by cell phone and asked the location of the office in New York where my daughter worked.

Emilie had a job with a magazine in midtown Manhattan, near St. Patrick’s Cathedral. When I asked my sister why she wanted to know the exact location, she replied: “A plane has just hit the World Trade Center.”

Emilie’s office wasn’t nearby, but I was filled with concern for her and others in the city. 

I frantically switched between Cincinnati radio stations, trying in vain to find a news report with details. Finally, I tuned in a live broadcast from New York, and the host of what’s usually considered a comedy program told me and other listeners that a second plane had hit the World Trade Center – and that it was obviously a terrorist attack.

I tried desperately to reach my daughter on her cell phone, but New York’s communications system had been brought to its knees by the sudden and overwhelming demand for service. About an hour passed before I got word from the magazine that Emilie was safe.

On this solemn anniversary, my thoughts go out to the families who weren’t as fortunate that day. So many people lost daughters or sons, while others grieved for brothers or sisters, spouses, parents, grandparents, cousins, co-workers, or friends.

Nearly 3,000 people died that Sept. 11. More than 2,600 perished at the World Trade Center, 125 died at the Pentagon, and more than 200 went down on the four hijacked planes, according to the 9/11 Commission report.

          Despite all the time that has passed, the terrible feelings are undimmed.

Our vigilance must remain just as sharp. Osama Bin Laden has met with his just end, and so have many of his henchmen.  But while al-Qaeda and its sympathizers are down, there will always be corners in the world dark enough for some terrorists to hide.

So there might never be a definite end to the global war on terror – at least not marked brightly like V-E Day and V-J Day at the close of World War II, with white-gloved surrender ceremonies followed by parades and dancing in the streets.

We might simply notice one day that the kind of bad people whose unconscionable actions resulted in little old ladies walking shoeless through airport security lines haven’t been heard from in several years.

It’s a less-than-satisfying conclusion for a 10-year, trillion-dollar war the United States didn’t seek – but couldn’t shirk.

While we remember the lives lost Sept. 11, 2001, let us also pay tribute to the members of our military, who continue to battle in Afghanistan, Iraq and other trouble spots against people who would like to harm us. 

And let us never forget the police officers, firefighters and emergency medical technicians who put their lives on the line – or sacrificed them – in courageous efforts to reduce the death toll amid the carnage of that Sept. 11.

Before then, how many of us took for granted the risks taken by our first responders?

In this case, they were the first soldiers to enter the battle against terrorism. Before the Twin Towers crumbled, many first responders entered those buildings knowing they might not come out alive.

God bless them.

And may God continue to bless the United States of America.

Emotional Thorns Are Tiny But Powerful

It’s well-documented that I should be excluded from doing yard work.  Any insurance company looking at my record would recognize the wisdom of immediately calling in the Coast Guard rather than paying the bills that result when I take the DIY approach.  This was particularly well illustrated the time that I, a novice, attempted to mow the lawn and fell into a rose bush.  Surely it’s obvious that the surgical removal of the thorn from my knee (read: injection, scalpel, etc.) was far more costly for the insurance company than a willing teen helper.  (Add to that my racing to answer a ringing telephone, discovering in the process that the cockatiel had escaped onto the kitchen floor, and being protractedly bitten during its rescue — and the case is sealed.)

The psychological parallel to the thorn from that rosebush is what I refer to as an emotional thorn. Past trauma is an example of an emotional thorn that needs removal, and there are many smaller examples that happen every day. If you’ve been painfully misunderstood, that’s an emotional thorn.  If your feelings have been hurt by someone’s words, even accidentally, that’s an emotional thorn.  Stumbling over your words in a conversation with your boss; having your concerns treated dismissively — these are all simple splinters that can be extracted immediately, but stand to become infected, or, at the very least distracting, if they aren’t.  Misunderstandings create barriers that can seriously erode relationships. Your own mistakes and missteps, if not understood, can leave you with a festering sense of inadequacy.  Unprocessed trauma can do this, too.  All of this spells depression.

The point of the rosebush tale is that as notoriously penny-pinching as insurance companies are, no one suggested that the thorn could stay in.  No one said, “It’s a thorn, for crying out loud. Brave up!”

This was not magnanimous on their part.  It was simply cost-effective.  An embedded thorn can become infected — and then the bills really mount up.

The fact is, I did take the ignore-it-and-it’ll-go-away approach — for close to a year, and it did (mostly) stop hurting after awhile.  From my point of view, a little pain and the sort of tattoo effect of the splinter required far less in the way of personal fortitude than doing something about them.  (Evidently the doctor had encountered many others with this same gutless orientation, a fact that I ascertained when, in a single flowing maneuver, he deftly clamped my ankle under his arm in an anti-kick position and pulled the previously concealed hypodermic needle out of his coat pocket.)

We seem to accept the wisdom of promptly removing foreign objects.  And it’s patently obvious that you can’t remove a splinter by loudly asserting to the person that a broken leg would have been a real pain.  Has anyone ever successfully removed a shard of glass by simply proclaiming that it’s no big deal?

Emotional thorns, whether they’re your own or someone else’s, are best handled in the same action-oriented way you’d take if you got a splinter from the deck.  Like splinters, they’re actually very easy to remove, and they don’t have to escalate into an infection.  And they won’t, if you’re willing to take them seriously and address them.

It takes some courage and trust to expose hurt feelings so they can be healed.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

• When feelings are hurt, don’t demand of yourself (or anyone else) to “ignore it and it will go away.”  If you think of it metaphorically, that’s simply nonsense!
• Instead, seek to understand it — even if your own actions turn out to be the source of the pain. You might say to your child — or spouse — “When I kept reading my book when you were talking, you thought I didn’t care about what you were saying.”
• If you were on the receiving end, start with a question — like, “What should I take from the fact that I’m talking about something that is important to me, and you are continuing to read?”  If you begin to see that the other person is simply too busy to listen right then, a toxic blow to your self esteem is averted. If there’s more to it, you can have a constructive conversation.
• Validate, don’t deny.  Whether it’s about your own uncomfortable feelings or someone else’s, acknowledge them.  “Your [my] feelings are really hurt,” starts the process of eliminating the emotional thorn.  “It’s ridiculous of you to be angry,” by contrast, makes the area redden and become more painful.
• Get help to work through trauma.  It’s not only the event itself that can affect you on for decades after it’s over; even more so, it’s the beliefs you develop about yourself as a result that create “infection” that needs to be treated.
• Small splinters count.  Isn’t it amazing how you can tell when there’s the tiniest of splinters in your finger or your foot?  That signal allows you to remove it before it gets embedded or infected.  Small emotional splinters work the same way.  Your awareness of feeling slighted or invalidated is a signal to take action.  By learning to deal with these everyday occurrences easily, painful dips in your mood will level out and your relationships will deepen.
• Sometimes removing the thorn is as simple and silent as validating yourself — a quick acknowledgement of your own feelings.  This becomes second nature, replacing the less helpful reflex to chastise yourself for feeling upset.
• Can you ever ignore an emotional thorn?  I’d rather see you develop the reflex to validate your own feelings than to ignore or suppress them.  Remember — acknowledging discomfort doesn’t mean you have to take action.  But be careful here; it’s a slippery slope once you start dismissing rather than acting on your feelings, and that choice often has more to do with keeping others happy than taking care of yourself. Unless the situation is of no importance, it’s better to deal, either within yourself if that’s where the discomfort is coming from, or with the other person, if change is needed.

What You Need to Know about Divorce and Social Security

by Cynthia Rogers

There is a growing trend in divorce lately – the “grey divorce”. More marriages than ever before are resulting in divorce for couples over the age of 50. These are marriages that have lasted several years, surviving child rearing, lean income years, career issues and all of the other difficulties marriages typically face. You might ask why this trend is becoming so prominent. Perhaps it is because divorce is more socially acceptable today or that we are all living longer or even that more women are financially independent. Whatever the reason, grey divorce has special concerns that young couples do not have. Younger couples going through divorce have many more years of earning and saving potential than people over 50. Also, if you are someone who has been out of the workforce during your married years, the thought of entering it now can be daunting.

Along with other types of retirement savings, many people look to Social Security to help supplement retirement income. Even after divorce, you may be entitled to Social Security Retirement benefits based on your ex-spouse’s earnings. There are, however, a few guidelines. First, your marriage must have lasted over 10 years. Also, you must be 62 years of age or older and not remarried. If all of those criteria exist then you may be entitled to one half of your ex-spouse’s Social Security benefit or 100% of your own, whichever is greater. You are not entitled to receive both, only one or the other. Even if your former spouse has not applied for benefits yet, you may still qualify to receive half, as long as your ex is over 62 years of age and you have been divorced for at least two years. Under current tax laws one retiree can have up to 4 ex-spouses collecting half of his or her benefit, as long as each marriage lasted over 10 years. It is also important to note that none of this affects the benefit that the “giving” spouse receives. He or she will still collect the same amount, regardless if any former spouses are receiving a benefit based on his or her social security. As always, it is best to check the Social Security website: socialsecurity.gov for complete information.

Cynthia Rogers is Certified Divorce Financial Analyst who works with divorcing clients and their attorneys. She examines the financial issues of divorce. Cynthia also regularly speaks at seminars throughout the year specifically geared to helping women who are facing divorce. It is given by a panel of professionals, including Cynthia, a divorce attorney, a Financial Advisor, a CPA and a family counselor. The next event will be September 27. If you or someone you know can benefit from these informative sessions please call Cynthia at 513-842-7988 to make a reservation.

Dear Loveland High School Students: Show That kindness and Compassion Can Overcome Bullying and Hatred

 
 

"After Robbie’s death, I heard how a student repeatedly

whispered “faggot” in his ear."         - Claudia Kirkland

On Jan. 2, 1997, 14 year old Robbie Kirkland, a freshman at Cleveland's St. Ignatius High School  committed suicide after a four year struggle to accept and find peace with his homosexuality.

 

Dear Loveland High School Students,

On January 2, 1997, my younger brother Robbie Kirkland committed suicide after a four year struggle to accept and find peace with his homosexuality.  My family loved, accepted, and supported my brother but could not protect him from the teasing, harassment, and bullying that he endured on a daily basis at school.

This harassment was something that I personally witnessed and tried to shield my brother from. I remember when I was 12-years-old riding the school bus home with 9-year-old Robbie and hearing other kids make fun of his lisp and how he talked.  Usually shy, I stood up and firmly told the younger kids to leave my little brother  alone.  They listened but I think of all of the other times when I was not there to stand up for him and of all his other classmates who said cruel things or silently stood by.

After Robbie’s death, I heard how the harassment escalated in high school to students pushing his books off his desk, pushing Robbie down stairs, and a student behind him repeatedly whispering “faggot” in his ear throughout class while flicking his finger against the back of my brother’s head.  I may not have witnessed these actions but the pain it caused Robbie was all too visible.  I watched my funny and sweet brother withdraw inside of himself and this bullying erode his self-esteem and hope that his life would be better.

Cruel comments have become too common place in our schools and amongst friends.  Homophobic slurs are used as jokes and often we all stand by as someone we know, we like, we are friends with - is put down and belittled.  We have all been on both sides of the bullying; humiliation and hurt coursing through us as we try to ignore insults and name calling and using our own insults and name calling to ease  our anger or insecurities or gain status.

It is time to stop this cycle of pain.  It is time to stand up for your friends and your classmates when you hear others using words that are hurtful or using physical aggression to intimidate.

It is time to think twice before unkind or hateful words leave your mouth, words you can’t take back and words that you will never know the depth of pain they might cause someone else. 

It is time to stop physical aggression towards other students because they are different or because you don’t like them or because you know they won’t fight back. 

I know that what I am asking is difficult and might even feel impossible, but I know it can make a difference.  It can be the difference between someone feeling accepted and included in your class or someone feeling rejected and alone.  It can be what helps someone believe that people care and there is kindness for everyone no matter their differences.  It can be the hope or support that saves someone’s life.

When you hear bullying or derogatory language used, speak up.  Say you don’t like it or don’t agree with it and do not want your friends to use it or put down other people.  When you feel the urge to use this kind of language or insults yourself, stop and think how it would feel to have those words said to you.  Think of the kind of environment you want to create for yourself, for your friends, for your family. 

If speaking up to bullies seems too difficult or overwhelming, find an adult who can intervene and report the harassment and intimidation you have witnessed and let them know you need their help addressing it. 

If the first adult does not do enough, tell someone else.  Offer your support and  comfort to those students you see being bullied.  Let them know someone cares and does not agree with how others have treated them.  Work to create a supportive, inclusive environment for your school for all students through the creation of anti-bullying programs and gay-straight student alliances to support gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning youth, and their allies.  Cultivate an atmosphere of tolerance and even celebration of differences and supports all students.  Do your part to improve your school for yourself and for other students.  Show students like my brother that others care and that kindness and compassion can overcome bullying and hatred.

Sincerely,

Claudia Kirkland

Claudia Kirkland now lives in Seattle and is a social worker (LISW) and counsels women and children. Robbie's painful struggle was her inspiration for becoming a child therapist.

 

I'm Dying and No One Cares - 08/08/94

by Robbie Kirkland

I try to stand and walk
I fall to the hard cold ground.
It feels as if to life I'm no longer bound.
The others look and laugh at my plight.
Blood pours from my nose, I am not a pretty sight.
I try to stand and again but fall
To the others I call
But they don't care
The pain is unbearable
The world is not fair
I'm lost and cold
I wish one would lend a hand to hold
My tears mix with my blood
The end of my life
It nears
I'm Dying and no one cares
The pain.  The pain.
THE PAIN!
I scream in pain!
My body shakes in violent spasms
I cry out in pain again!
I scream
My blood pours like a stream
I'm Dying and no one cares
I scream in pain one last time
and then it's over.
I am Dead and no one cares.

Learn more about the life of Robbie Kirkland

Teen Violence Begins With Pain: Fran Hendrick Says You can help

More than you might imagine, your voice will make a difference.

Fran Hendrick writes after witnessing some of the events unfold on Wednesday during the apparent teen murder-suicide in Deerfield Township. Amanda Borsos, a Little Miami High School student lost her life, and Kings High School student Troy Penn apparently used the shotgun he used on Borsos to later take his own life.

 

We’ve re-entered the Wild, Wild West in this country, and it is up to us to put a stop to it.  But far from building another prison, the most potent part of the answer lies in intentionally building constructive, loving relationships — something that is within our power to do.  This post is intended to connect you with your own power and the certainty that you are constantly making a difference; the compelling potential of yourself  — and the impact of applying it.

Yesterday, outside the suburban window where I was seated, a young man ran by with a shotgun. The air suddenly was filled with sirens. Squad cars, a SWAT team, reporters swarmed.  The “perimeter” was sealed.  Minutes later, just a block away, people were evacuated as the SWAT team surrounded the boy’s home. Only hours later did facts begin to emerge.  The boy– a high school senior — had walked up to his girlfriend, who had ended their relationship, at her place of work, and had intentionally propelled a shot into her body, a shot that killed her.  He then ran home and apparently turned the gun on himself.

The lone tragedy is paradoxically more powerful for human beings than a constant stream, but as deeply sickening as this double tragedy is, it is but a single event in an epidemic.

What have we, as a society, created that has placed within the realm of possibility the choice to murder someone with whom we’re unhappy? When did shooting someone who has decided not to be in a romantic relationship cease to be beyond the pale?

There is so much to learn here, and so much to do — and it starts with ourselves and with our own kids.

Dr. Anna Ornstein, an internationally known psychoanalyst and a gem of a human being, once remarked that the difference between a child who shoots someone when angry and a child who doesn’t is the availability of a gun.  Her point was that the dynamics of pain and lashing out are identical; only the means of expression differs.  The difference between raising kids who cope and kids who shoot lies in understanding those dynamics.  Understand them we must.

Children depend upon adults to serve very specific psychological functions for them, until they are able to handle these on their own.  As you read about this, you may realize that some of these things were absent in your own childhood.  You may realize that there are some gaps that still beg to be filled in your own heart.  You may feel these words on two levels — both as a parent and as an adult who was once a child.

In a tiny nutshell, here’s what you do as a parent or role model and what happens as a result, within each interaction with the young people in your life.

• You build a sense of intrinsic self worth. As a parent, you have the power to grow your child’s sense of self worth, beginning in infancy.  Each time your eyes light up at the sight of your baby, she integrates into her sense of self, “I am of value.  I am a source of joy.”
• You build self esteem. Each time she beams over an accomplishment and you celebrate with her, she integrates into her core, “I am capable. My accomplishments are a source of pride.”   
• You build the capacity to modulate emotions.  Somehow, we’ve developed the devastating expectation that success as a parent is measured by children’s nonstop happiness.  I’d like to offer you an alternative to this.  What if you measured your success by your children’s joy in themselves, their ability to develop healthy relationships, their ability to bounce back from pain and disappointment, their ability to face difficult challenges and take on meaningful goals?  Life is not an easy journey; what makes us insist on creating the false hope that it is? Pain of one sort or another is inevitable; being devastated by it is not.  We need to teach kids to cope, rather than acting on an urgent need to keep them “happy”.  As a parent, each time you provide a pillar of calm in the face of your child’s roller coaster of emotions — or model managing your own stress, a building block is put in place.  Ultimately, your child will be able to level out her emotions independently.  She will not seek permanent solutions for temporary pain.
• You build the capacity for empathy.  Every single time you have the courage to steer directly into your child’s tough feelings and reflect back your understanding and acceptance — even if the feeling is anger towards you – you build your child’s sense of her own acceptability as a person and her capacity to empathize with others.  With the tragedy that occurred yesterday taking place a few short steps from where I was sitting, my own sense of the experience of the girl who was gunned down was amplified unbearably.  But the bearer of the gun could not feel for her, and this is part of what made it possible for him to point a gun at her and destroy her body, ending her life.
• You build a sense of boundaries.  By honoring your child’s feelings, whether they mirror your own or differ entirely, you teach that each person is separate; that we each have separate experiences and feelings; that none of us has the right to demand otherwise.  By the time serious relationships begin to develop in adolescence, the foundation to honor and respect the feelings of others — even if it means that they don’t want to be in a relationship with us — is solidly built.
• You allow yourself to be your child’s hero.  Kids need someone to idealize, someone whose values they can take on, whose strength they can borrow, while they grow their own.  As they mature and begin to realize that you’re imperfect, you may feel the pinch of being de-idealized.  If you can respond levelly and with empathy, your relationship will continue to grow.

We can only estimate how this tragedy occurred.  It could occur, possibly, because a young man felt that his pain was permanent, that the object of his affections had an obligation to act in accordance with his wishes.  It could have happened because he could not empathize with her and because he could not separate his own value as a human being from her choice not to build a life with him.  She died, perhaps, because he could not tolerate the pain of all of these feelings and because he believed that she was to blame. It was within him to kill her, perhaps, because violence is legitimized over and over again in our culture as an option for alleviating personal pain, because the means are available, and because we have all watched so many shootings and physical assaults that these are now in our repertoire of available responses.

Albert Einstein observed that “You cannot solve a problem with the level of thinking that created it.” We live in a culture of the “quick fix”.  Kids hear every day that pain should be relieved instantly.  They watch scores of images of violent revenge by someone who feels slighted by another person in some way.  They see constant examples of lashing out at the perceived sources of unhappiness rather than taking appropriate accountability for managing one’s emotions and according others respect for their feelings and wishes.

We can’t prevent tragedies like this with the quick-fix thinking that creates them.  We can and must prevent them by meeting children’s psychological needs — which  always begins with meeting our own — and then extends to bothering to learn how to help children develop emotionally. It won’t happen through that still-persistent thinking that says that parenting is a matter of instinct and intuition.  Doing anything well takes knowledge, practice, work, support and commitment — and self development. Parenting is no exception. And in those inevitable gaps where your own emotional needs were not gently, empathically met, being present for kids requires healing your own pain.

No simple vaccine can render you or your family invulnerable to the epidemic of violence– toward self and others — that we’re in, but you’re far from helpless.  You can intentionally approach this problem at a complex level, within yourself, within your family, within your community.  More than you might imagine, your voice will make a difference.

Ways to Beat the Heat and Smog, While Preventing Falls

by Patrick Shumrick

As the smog, humidity and heat builds each day in the summer it’s harder to be active and enjoy the outdoors, especially for senior adults.  The threat of heat and smog related illness and death is real for aging adults, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).  Hundreds of Americans die each year from heat and smog related illness and age is consider a leading factor.  However, thousands of people age 65 and older will more likely die from fall-related injuries.

Falls are the leading cause of deaths due to injury in Hamilton County in persons 65 older.  On average, one out of three persons 65 and older will experience a fall each year.  According to the CDC over 1.8 million Americans over age 65 were treated in the emergency room for a nonfatal fall and 433,000 people were hospitalized. It is important for senior adults to be physically active in order to prevent falls.  Physical activity maintains or improves ones’ flexibility, strength, muscle tone, balance and coordination.  Stay safe and active this summer by keeping these tips in mind when combating Cincinnati’s heat and humidity and dirty air:

    * Enjoy the outdoors (ride bikes, hike or garden, etc.) but do so before 10 am or after 6 pm to avoid the heat, humidity, and smog.  Its best to wear light colored clothing and sunscreen to reflect the sun’s rays.  Always wear properly fitted footwear that has adequate traction and support when exercising. 

    * Don’t like to sweat?  Then swim at your local community pool.  Swimming is easy on the joints and the water provides some resistant to improve one’s strength and balance. The cost for a summer pool membership costs less than or equal to an average meal at a your local chain restaurant ($5-$10).  Some pools even offer water fit classes geared towards adults 50 and older.  Contact your local pool or community center for details, (513) 352-4000. 

    * Stretch your legs and take a walk inside an air-conditioned mall or go to an indoor walking track at a local gym or community center.  Most of these centers also offer weight rooms and an array of exercise and dance classes.  Some even have chair volleyball leagues and chair exercise classes for those in need of stability and support when exercising.  Call your local senior or community center to ask if they have chair volleyball. The Hamilton County Park District coordinates walking clubs for those over age 50, call (513) 521-PARK (7275) ext. 240 for more information. 

The point is to stay active so choose activities that are interesting and fun.  Talk to your doctor before starting any new exercise program.  Not only can your doctor help you determine which exercises and activities are right for you, they can review the different types of medications you are taking and how they react with one another.  Also, don’t forget to get your vision and hearing checked.  Hearing loss and visual problems can both affect your balance and your ability exercise safely.  For more information about fall prevention visit www.fallpreventiontaskforce.org.

A Non-Yoga Alternative to Worry

It’s entirely plausible that two tiny words — “what if…” — are responsible for bankrolling a whole host of billion-dollar industries.  It’s hard to think of two words more closely associated with panic; with headaches, heartburn, and sleepless nights. However, there is a way of looking at ‘what if’ questions that holds panic at bay.  Below is an adaptation on worrying about “what if?” that’s quicker than drugs, won’t make you sleepy, requires no physical contortions (and can therefore be done while you’re driving), and costs nothing.

While some what if’s are about really heavy concerns, many of them, fluttering anxiously around in your mind on any given day, aren’t of any great consequence, and the rest fall some place in the middle.

For instance, Maggie.  Specifically Maggie and me, Tuesday, on the way to the office for her first working visit.

I’ve been searching for a long time (ever since her two dramatic, splashy performances [read: failures] in the therapy dog trials) for the right opportunity to give Maggie the grounding she needs in order to able to come to work at The Self Development Place.  Not every day, not all the time — but at the right times; the times when Maggie might truly be a comfort or provide someone a means of unlocking a difficult personal puzzle.

Because of Maggie’s gentle, sociable disposition, I had thought this project was going to be an absolute cinch. (Oh, gee, this pretty much mirrors the housebreaking folly…) Anyway, I hadn’t adequately estimated her anxiety, and on her first two visits to the office, her fears overtook all reason and intellect, and everything she knew about lying down in one place flew out the window (faster even than she can whisk Italian bread off a table).  Since then, I have been on the lookout for the right opportunity to help Maggie over this hurdle.

Enter Eric and Jay, of the K9 Company.  I hadn’t planned to get 1:1 help with Maggie, but the opportunity appeared, and I scheduled a consultation.  Maggie did not make this easy.  The day before the first scheduled meeting, a friend discovered a bald spot on Maggie’s tail.  Not wanting to put any other animals at risk, I postponed the meeting and got Maggie to the vet who found her completely fit.  The next scheduled date brought a thunderstorm, and Maggie was huddled in the perceived fortress under my bed.  Following Eric’s advice, I brought her anyway, since she was able to go willingly. (There’s nothing rational about panic; Maggie also considers the car to be a safe zone, perhaps believing that it will deliver her from the storm.)

Cut to Tuesday. The consultation had gone well; Maggie and I had had a highly productive first lesson with Jay; and we’d had a very successful trial run.  The key, Jay explained, is to introduce Maggie to the office as a working environment where she has a job.  She understood very quickly — and, miraculously, without anxiety — that sleeping on her bed, collecting treats and occasional loves (all of which come very naturally to my epicurean pup) were the job requirements.  It’s a comfortable job with great benefits, so rare these days.

Still, adding other people into the mix was a major change, and (here’s the what if part), as I drove the short drive, all the what-if’s shouted in my mind, along with a brief blitz of useless self-recrimination about what on earth possessed me to even consider bringing her to the office during work hours at this early stage.  It all boiled down to one worry: what if she can’t relax and stay still, and is very distracting? I played with permutations of that question for a few minutes until they increased in volume enough for me to interfere.

Deadlines work for me.  With only four minutes until “launch,” a strategy popped up:  What if I asked a different question? Instead of worrying about what if, it occurred to me to decide what I would do if…

Here’s the shift that this creates:

• It moves the focus from worrying about an array of imagined negative outcomes to planning a response.  Similarly, making a decision moves you from fear to action.
• It eliminates the fight against fate.  Behind worries of what if, a battle is being waged against things that might happen in the future over which you may have no control.  So, more helpful questions are: What can I do, if anything, to prevent it? and What will I do if this occurs?

Thus prepared, we arrived and got to work.  With a few reminders, Maggie did her job (sleep, sleep, sleep, accept treat, sleep, sleep, present self for petting) very well!

Well… I was exhausted.

However, for a good cause.  I hope you’ll try out the anti-what-if strategy.  (If it fails, pull over and strike a lotus pose; yoga is such a good thing for people-who-are-not-me.)

If Jay comes up with a fix for the Italian Bread Capers, I’ll let you know.  Because, as it stands, Maggie is of the firm belief that her job is to eat the bread.

Hamilton County Highlights Child Available for Adoption

by Brian Gregg

A 14-year-old boy who plays guard on his school’s basketball team and some day once to be a doctor is July’s Waiting Child at Hamilton County and Family Services.

Hamilton County is spotlighting some of the children it has available for adoption with monthly releases to local media.

“We’re looking at innovative ways of getting our children before the public so we can find them safe, loving homes,” said Moira Weir, director of the department. “Every child deserves a permanent home and we know there are hundreds of loving families throughout this community who would be willing to open up their doors and their hearts to our children.”

Andwele, or AD, as he likes to be called, is a huge fan of the movie Transformers. It shows his love of adventure – he also enjoys reading exciting novels and testing his skills in the latest action video games.

Basketball is Andwele’s sport of choice, and he’s quite good. He spends hours after school working on his jump shot. But he’s a down-to-earth kid who doesn’t harbor dreams of someday joining the NBA, instead he wants to work hard at school so the he can become a doctor.

Andwele just wants a mother and father to call his own. His likeable personality and eager attitude make him a perfect fit for just about any family, but especially one that likes staying busy with a variety of different activities.

Hamilton County currently has about 215 children available for adoption. The county’s Children’s Services Division often must take custody of children who are the victims of abuse or neglect and cannot be safely reunited with their families. Those interested in adopting can learn more at www.hcadopt.org or by calling (513) 946-1000 or e-mailing adoption@jfs.hamilton-co.org.   Also, follow Hamilton County JFS Foster Care and Adoption recruitment on Facebook.

 

Brian Gregg is Chief Communications Officer of the

Hamilton County Department of Job and Family Services

Lighthouse Youth Services Inaugural “Walk the Walk”

by Vickie Lassandro

Lighthouse Youth Services has announced the inaugural “Walk the Walk” event to be held on Saturday, August 13, 2011, starting at 9:15 a.m. Participants of the inaugural “Walk the Walk” will follow a 2.4 mile route that closely resembles the trek made daily by Lighthouse youth.  While bringing awareness to the obstacles homeless youth face each day, walkers will also raise funds to provide crucial items, such as: shoes, socks and bus tokens.

Last year, nearly 4,000 homeless youth, age 18 - 24, visited the Lighthouse drop-in center to eat a warm meal, take a shower, or visit a nurse.  Because many of these individuals sleep downtown, they must walk from downtown to the existing Anthony House to receive the important services offered by Lighthouse. 

By having volunteers and community members “Walk the Walk,” the 2.4 miles up Vine Street, they will experience a similar plight.  The event will conclude at the new shelter for this age population, scheduled to open this fall.  Participants will be among the very first to tour the facility.

I am the chair of “Walk the Walk”, a resident of Delhi.  Committee members include Wendy Braff (Hyde Park), Holly Dees (Hamilton), Liz Fuller (Clifton), Gina Gartner (Clifton), Linda Little (Walnut Hills), Michelle Nader (Loveland), Juli Niles (Columbia Tusculum), Erin Straits (Walnut Hills) and Maria Szczepanski (Springfield Township).

Participants can register as individuals or as teams.  Each walker is encouraged to raise $100 to include the walk and admission to the after-walk reception.  Teams should have at least five walkers.  “Walk the Walk” sponsorships begin at $250.  Many other donation levels are available.  The “Walk the Walk” Committee is currently seeking team captains, walkers and sponsors. On the day of the walk, registration begins at 8:30 a.m. and the walk will start at 9:15 a.m.

For more information, visit www.lys.org and click on community engagement or call Andrea Granieri at 513-475-5674.

Julia Child’s Recipe for Resilience

Julia Child Made Mincemeat of that Cultural Nonsense

I’m a voracious fan of that particular genre of videos referred to as “feel-good movies”.  However, there are precious few of them that live up to the promise, (“imho”).  Some of The Most Depressing Movies that I have been ruthlessly blamed for presenting to my family have been advertised as “feel-good flicks” — and patently were not.  A Home of Our Own comes to mind as one that led the entire family to the edge of the abyss, and — forgive me — so did Forrest Gump. Fortunately the theater was next to Graeters,where the ice cream and giant chocolate chips quickly overrode that disheartening (we felt) “box of chocolates” mantra. (Of course, that was before Graeters took the cheerful pastel green out of the mint chip and rendered it colorless.  I don’t know what we’d do now.)

It turns out that the movies that delightfully increase a sense of well being and optimism do not actually purport to do so.  No claims are made, but the characters are vibrant and face the peculiar challenges of their lives with sparkling humor and energy.  (This, in fact, may be part of the recipe for happiness.  You don’t set out to create it; you live well, and it happens.) One of those genuine feel-good movies, last year, turned out to be Julie and Julia.

The stifling but potent cultural standards of the day dictated that Julia Child turn out unhappy and single.  In the first place, she was a large, conspicuous woman — both her stature and her voice seemed bigger than life.  Unlike June Cleaver, she was unabashedly imperfect.  Not only that, she uninhibitedly praised her own work.  My mother was especially tickled when, at the end of one of her TV shows, Julia Child tasted her own concoction and said with heartfelt pleasure, “It’s awfully good.”

So Julia Child made mincemeat of that cultural nonsense about attractiveness and femininity by becoming hugely successful and, as portrayed in Julie and Julia, being both a joyful person and blissfully married.  Also, irrepressibly optimistic.  Remember the scene where she responds to her humiliation at the Cordon Bleu by practicing chopping back at home, resulting in a mound of onions a mile high that nearly chokes her husband — and then leaving her competition in the dust the next day in class?

Julia Child seemed to have a true gift for resilience — whether she was bouncing back from failing to create a happy landing for a flipped omelet or having her book turned down by yet another publisher.  Her recipe for being irrepressible consists of  a mere six words in the movie:

“Oh, well… boo hoo… Now what?”

Those three short phrases brilliantly encapsulate three ingredients necessary to shake off a defeat:

1. Acceptance of the disappointment, without equating it to Being a Failure.
2. Sadness over the loss of the dream.
3. Looking ahead.

Notice that this is not the “suck it up” mentality that is so trendy right now.  Instead,
the disappointment is acknowledged as having been a significant one.  Compassion is extended as the envisioned hope crumples.  As a result, the energy to move  forward materializes.

Notice, too, that this didn’t take months, weeks or even a day.  This gem of emotional wisdom accounts for ten seconds of the movie.

Remember those six words.  You, too, can learn to recover from a setback in the space of a blink — if you throw the right ingredients into the mix.

College is a First Business Venture

by Fran Hendrick

“I have a check for you for $500,000,” I unexpectedly found myself saying to a high school senior recently.  That conversation spooled into a whole new perspective on introducing kids to college — one that I think will truly pay strong dividend$ in a time when every college dollar needs to count.

“To receive this check, your job is to earn a bachelor’s degree with a 3.5 GPA,” I went on to explain.  “Knowing that this check is waiting for you, how would you go about accomplishing this so that you get to claim it?”

Silence.  And then, finally, “I guess I’d work harder.”

“Work harder… hmmmm.  What does that actually mean?” I asked.

“Well, you know, work harder.”

As the conversation went on, it dawned on her that the source of the cool half million would be her own income, if she planned her college education as a business venture.  We talked about how to get the most for her money, where she could save, how to seek out support; we strategized about what classes to take, approaching the act of learning as a “job” responsibility in the business of attending college; and how to zoom in to find a major she’d love that would lead to a career she would also love — one that could make her a good living in today’s world.

We went on to talk about adopting a project management approach to knocking out college courses.

One thing I’ve noticed with genuine alarm is the use of technology by high schools and colleges to keep track of students’ assignments for them.  With no record-keeping on their own part, a couple of clicks lets them see what’s due.

I think this is a case of the pendulum swinging too far.  Historically, writing down assignments, mapping out and completing them, keeping track of grades and turning things in on time was the responsibility of the student.  There were, of course, a small minority of instructors who habitually were weeks behind in grading, so students could not monitor their own progress.  I’m guessing that irate parents, whose students did not fare well in this situation, demanded change.  So, we’ve gone from almost no communication between high school instructors and parents — to full access to a website with their adolescents’ real-time grades and assignments.

The hope, of course, is that parents could help their kids stay on track (and maybe stop blaming the teachers when they don’t).  But the result that I’m seeing more often is that young adults experience a blurring of boundaries of responsibility for their school performance.  Their parents are now tracking their assignments — after the school relieves them of the task of writing them down!  Independent initiative to bring a grade up is often overshadowed by a parent’s noticing it before the student, followed by an unpleasant, motivation-killing confrontation.  In effect, parents have, to varying degrees, taken over responsibilities that rightly belonged to students stepping into the demands of adulthood. Failure is not allowed to happen.

While adolescents vary in the level of support they need from adults, they are all developmentally slated to strive for independence.  Too much intrusion into their responsibilities can have the nasty effect of taking away their privacy and their initiative.  But even when parents handle these new powers judiciously and respectfully — and some do it wonderfully — there’s the plain and simple truth that in order to succeed in college and in the work of their choice, young adults need to be able to own and manage their own responsibilities.

I can say for certain that no job I have ever had came with a daily to-do list prepared especially for me. And yet, my young client had almost no skill in envisioning an assignment as a series of steps, never mind estimating the time needed for completion in order to come up with a reasonable start date.

As I continued to talk with this student, all of these opportunities for self development became evident. In fact, it was such a good conversation that it will become “College: Your First Business” — the next Self Development Place ecourse — designed especially for students graduating high school or completing their freshman year of college.

The point is, “working harder” just won’t cut it.  Success requires vision, strategizing, determination, and focus — all of which fall out naturally from approaching college as a business venture and students as entrepreneurs.

Gosh, I wish someone had shown me how to do that!

4 Mini-Dares that Build Love

by Fran Hendrick

That these are busy, stressful times that we live in is almost a cliche.  It’s a rough economy, a lousy job market, and a tumultuous international picture.

It’s also been raining for six weeks — at least in Loveland, where I’m writing from.  I say this with a wink and a smile at its relative triviality, but it is a fact that this dreary, unrelenting grayness is getting people down and generally causing a lot of extra bother.  I myself was the lucky recipient on Mother’s Day of a long-wished-for pair of tall rubber boots — shiny yellow with polka dots — which, with the swamp of mud in my back yard and Maggie, the golden retriever who needs me with her to “go outside,” were perfectly on the mark. ( Not just in terms of the mud, either; it just occurred to me that adding a little bright color has actually relieved the gloom — like one of those black and white photos that has a single red rose.)

But, back to today’s question. How, when your world is in muddy disarray, are you supposed to find time to “work on” your relationships?  The answer is in the four mini-dares that you’ll find in this post.

Enhancing relationships is often about getting smarter, not working harder.  It’s about becoming highly aware of the opportunities to connect by simply being yourself.  It doesn’t have to take more time and energy (indeed, connecting successfully with another person will regenerate rather than deplete your energy).

I’ve heard it said that there are two paths a relationship can take: either it grows or it stagnates and dies. Whether it’s your marriage, a friendship or a relationship with one of your children, “maintaining the status quo” is just a form of stagnation.

What makes relationships really exciting, compelling even, is the self development that they stimulate.  When you’re with someone who challenges you to grow, you feel alive and positive about yourself!

This is really obvious when it comes to parenting.  Each child is a puzzle and it’s tremendously gratifying to figure out what works and to connect with your child! Really learning another person is another part of what keeps relationships sizzling.

It’s a little more subtle when it comes to the relationship with your significant other.  The key self development challenge, the one thing that make the bond between you ever stronger, is the courage to be yourself and to embrace your partner’s efforts to be real with you.

Courage, really?  Definitely.  It takes courage to share a loving thought if you are fearful of being dismissed.  Far safer to keep it to yourself.  If you believe that your value to others lies in always agreeing with them, it takes guts to take a stand.  Sharing your fears about growing closer takes a double dose of courage.

Here are mini-dares to start with. Think of each of these as taking “one step further into the woods” — the title of an Invincible Voice podcast on moving into the unknown.  And remember, it often takes less than a minute to transform a connection with someone you love from bland to spicy.

1. Share your happy thoughts. If you’re driving by the cafe where the two you you had a lovely lunch last summer, send a quick text.  “You’re on my mind — I just drove by The Coffee Courtyard and remembered how much I loved being there with you!”  Receiving a message like this feels delicious.
2. Openly disagree. Give up “people pleasing” and say what you really think.  Relationships can only thrive when real people, not facades of people, are involved.
3. Speak your fears.It can be psychologically frightening to allow someone fully into your heart.  It’s completely predictable to have fears of losing someone whom you’ve come to love; of becoming dependent; of being abandoned.  Saying your fears out loud is liberating — and it gives you your partner the opportunity to move closer to you by fully understanding what you are feeling.
4. Be very curious. Extend the same gift of understanding to your partner.  Learn about what he or she loves — and why; what s/he fears — and why; what s/he believes — and how this might differ from your own beliefs.  One of life’s greatest gift is being invited by another person to freely expand into who the person you authentically are meant to be.

Scary or not, these are some of the ingredients to a tantalizing relationship.

Go ahead — I dare you : ).

Mothers and Daughters: Joyful Rebels?

by Fran Hendrick

A few weeks ago, in the midst of torrential downpours and tornado warnings, I made the acquaintance of a fascinating young woman during a three-day workshop.  Dressed boldly and unconventionally, she hailed from Utah.  As she talked, I gained a sense of her experience of allowing her own singular voice to ring clearly out in the context of a culture that seemed to me might discourage this.  “You were something of a rebel then?” I asked.  She agreed.

And from that, something clicked that I would like to check out with you.  In fact, I would like very much for you to reply to this column with your reaction.

Many women have had the experience of being quietly shushed.  Inconspicuously and just a little apologetically, maybe your mother or a friend or partner has hinted that you need to hold back a little on expressing yourself; to not be too boisterous or opinionated; to avoid standing out. If you were taught to keep a little quiet, err on the side of beige and to subordinate your wishes and opinions to those of the men in your life, you’re not alone by a long shot.

It occurred to me that, for many of my clients, finding within themselves the power to rebel against this cultural mandate has been a source of liberation and pure pleasure. They love the people in their lives who have tried to keep them in check, but they’ll be kept in check no more.  Once unleashed, their delight is contagious to everyone in their lives.

I think of them as Joyful Rebels and I imagine the lively times they have with their daughters, sharing a spirit of vivaciousness. In fact, being a great mom really does start with having the guts to be yourself.

How about you?  If you’re willing to share, your voice will really help me shape this idea.    Please add a comment or email me at franhendrick@selfdevelopmentplace.com and tell me about your own experiences as a joyful rebel, or your reactions, positive or negative, to that image.  I’d really like to get your take on this, and I’ll be happy to answer.

What Works for Depression

by Fran Hendrick

There’s a ton of information floating around about depression — for two reasons.  One, there’s a lot of misery out there.  And two, it’s big business in the pharmaceutical industry.  In this post, I’ll try to give you a framework for understanding where depression comes from and, therefore, what is most likely to alleviate it.

Perhaps you’ve come out of the bookstore with a stack of books on getting over depression, but were still unable to fully eliminate the blues.  That’s because depression is a problem that is often best solved in the context of a relationship.  It is the experience of choosing to speak that will change you — and how you feel about yourself and your life.

Treating depression is a little like treating abdominal pain.  You have to know what’s causing it in order to provide the right remedy.  Just like the pain in your gut could be coming from anything from a virus to appendicitis, depression has its roots in many sources.

• Overwhelming circumstances – like divorce, financial problems or moving across the country – can lead to feeling depressed.  But – many people face tough circumstances and do not experience depression.  What overwhelms one person may not overwhelm another.  In part, how immobilized you become is dependent on the strength of your sense of self.

• “Explanatory Style”. The way you explain to yourself the things that happen to you can cause a quick plummet into depression.  Martin Seligman’s work on this topic (Learned Optimism – how to change your mind and your life, 1990) describes this in detail.  If your explanation to yourself after not receiving a promotion runs along the lines of: “I’m not very bright; never really have been.  Besides, my boss hates me.  I”ll never get ahead” – that’s a sign that you view this setback as permanent, pervasive and out of your control.  That kind of thinking is usually inaccurate and results in depression.

• A vulnerable sense of self worth. The fear of being deeply inadequate, worthless, unwantable – these fundamental beliefs about self are often at the core of depression.  Feelings like these can immobilize you.

• Chemistry. There’s no doubt that brain chemistry and depression are linked.  The question is: which causes which? Does the depression cause the chemical change? Or does your chemistry cause the depression?  Likely, it works both ways.

With so many variables, clearly there is no single answer to the question of what works for depression. In fact, as with abdominal pain, it is not always clear whether depression is a symptom or the entire disorder!  However, there are a few principles that you can depend on.

• Drugs are sometimes needed, but drugs alone are not enough. Drugs can help pull you out of a depression, but they’re not enough by themselves, no matter what the commercials try to sell you.  Working with psychotropic medications is a specialty.  If you and your therapist feel that a medication consultation is needed, choose a doctor, usually a psychiatrist, who is highly experienced in tailoring medications to meet the needs of individual patients.

• Cognitive approaches can help. Applying ideas like Seligman’s to adjust your thoughts and beliefs can help you learn how to prevent depression or pull yourself out of it when you start to spiral downward.  But in my experience, these approaches often fall short of providing full, long-lasting relief.

If the source of your depression is that terribly painful feeling of having a very vulnerable sense of self worth, psychodynamic psychotherapy, often combined with medication and cognitive strategies, will address the cause of your depression at a much deeper level.  When your sense of self is fragile, you cannot just think your way out of it.  Rather, change happens at an experiential level within a healthy relationship.  For a detailed discussion of this highly effective approach to eliminating depression, please listen to this week’s Invincible Voice, “Therapy that Works”.